Expectations

As I mentioned in my last couple posts, I am a reluctant pastor's wife. In the time that has passed since I wrote those posts, God has been teaching me a few things about expectations.

Each week I prepare myself, and my children, to physically attend a church service on Sunday morning. I make sure my shirt is still clean after serving breakfast to the masses, I ensure that my easily distracted child has actually brushed his teeth, and that we have our bag of quiet activities for my youngest son. We drive to church and I anticipate the various parts of the service. The worship set, the announcements, the message etc. However, I don't specifically expect to hear from God during the service. And, in the past few weeks, the Lord has been convicting me of my lack of expectation.

As I've been trudging through my thoughts, several things have come to mind. To begin, the church building is my husband's place of work. The building is filled with his boss, and the leaders, who have authority over his position. The reality of that, means that it is a place where I want my chilldren and I to present ourselves well. That means that my stress level runs high as I try to manage my people in the best manner possible. It doesn't feel like a place where I can come as I am and expect an encounter with the living God (I'm not saying it shouldn't feel like; just that it doesn't at this present time).

My struggle deepens because I know what it's like to have a church that feels like home. A place where you literally breathe easier just upon entering the building. A place where people may be watching and judging but you actually just don't care. A place where you freely cry as you listen to the voices of fellow believers worship with all their hearts. A place where the message convicts you but you are readily reminded of the gracious grace He gives. And a place where I do expect to hear from God during the service.

For now, God has called our family to our current church and He wants me to expect to hear from Him at each service. I can see how I've been selfish by focusing on me during the service; it was never meant to be about me. I continue to be grateful for His limitless grace and mercy.

A Few Honest Thoughts About Being a Pastor's Wife-Part 2

I had originally intended to write only one post about this topic, but I realized I had more to add.  Not more to add because I want sympathy, or affirmations, but more to add because I realize that many don't know a great deal about ministry life and it be helpful if they did.

So, as I mentioned in my original post, my husband his been a pastor for nearly a decade now.  There was a steep learning curve for him and I fully confess he still doesn't have it figured out.  Ministry is a little like teaching in that the work doesn't fit into neat little time blocks.  You may work hours before you actually "clock in" for the day and you may continue to work long beyond your designated quitting time.

The clincher for my husband is that it's soul saving work.  He may go to the hospital early to visit a patient before surgery but he's most focused on the condition of the patient's soul and their relationship (or lack of relationship) with the Lord.  He may do office work during business hours but then he'll be called in for a suicidal teen that showed up at youth group and will stay with that child through the early morning hours. And, because of the very nature of this work, his family will take a backseat.  Especially if he's the pastor of a small congregation.

For my husband, he is just not able to justify coming home to play CandyLand with the kids before bed when these types of situations are the epitome of his work.  His heart for the lost is so strong that he simply can't see the forest for the trees.  The members, attendees, visitors, once a year guests of the church are his focus.  Because he longs for their souls to be saved.  These factors make it incredibly difficult to balance family life and ministry.

I know that church members have legitimate concerns about the work pastors do.  A lot of us like to see results and be able to measure success.  Ministry is truly a marathon.  Pastors can sow seeds in certain people for years before the tiniest sprout ever begins to appear.  I give most pastors the benefit of the doubt.  I believe that they are doing their work to the best of their ability.  Their family may even be taking a far, far backseat so that they may carry out what they've been called to do.

A Few Honest Thoughts About Being a Pastor's Wife

Like everyone, I have many titles to my name.  Child of God, daughter, sister, friend, mother, teacher, wife.  My very least favorite title is that of a pastor's wife.  When I got married nearly two decades ago, I married a teacher.  Over time and through a variety of God circumstances, my husband became a pastor.

I confess that I had my own visions of what being a pastor's wife looked like and some of them were not far off.  My experience has been that the old saying of living your life in a fish bowl is entirely accurate.  Our small congregation watches everything about our family.  They evaluate, criticize when they feel justified to do so, and speculate about all aspects our lives.

I understand that the congregation watches us and I'm used to it after all these years.  I do my very best to be a good example of Godly character.  I have been intentionally teaching my children, since birth, Godly character traits along with a hefty dose of quality manners and respect.  I expect them to conduct themselves well in formal, and informal, settings alike.  I've come to terms with the fact that they are being watched and judged at all times, it simply comes with the territory.

The hard part though, is that we are watched, and judged, and criticized with little to no grace.  In a way that flat-out feels unfair, we are somehow held to a higher standard than the congregants hold themselves.  There is no grace for the cranky toddler cutting two year old molars or the fidgety six year old still learning self-control. There is no grace for the weary mama who must unexpectedly dash away from a conversation because one of her children needs her immediate assistance.

As you watch your pastor's wife, and his children, please keep in mind that they are sinners saved by grace just as you are.  They may be in ministry but they are in no way divine beings.  They are undeniably human with infinite flaws.  They have committed themselves to enduring your scrutiny because they care about the welfare of your eternal soul.  They will gladly accept all the love and grace you are willing to bestow upon them.